Thoughts of an over-thinker

quote

2009-02-21T16:39:00.001-08:00

i have no appropriate place to display this, but i think this quote is great and would love to use it one day ...

"you wouldn't have to be over me if you were still under me."

(from nick & norah's infinite playlist)

dwelling

2009-02-19T20:37:00.000-08:00

i don't know why i always go back to that one. that one that broke my heart. yes, i know why ... because i was falling for him ...

at a loss...

2009-02-19T20:26:00.000-08:00

i just want to be someone that someone cares about. i want someone to want to talk to me and see me. i want someone to want me in their life and not just that but to be part of it. i want to want someone like that too. i want it to be mutual. i thought i had that and i don't know what happened to it. there is nothing i can do to know why or what happened. currently i am heartbroken because its my own fault. the other one isnt the other one but just the one. i am nothing. i am a friend for pleasure. nothing more. i want to know what its like to be on the receiving end of that affection. i never was. it doesn't seem like there is or was a good reason for that, but that it just wasn't there for him. it was there in all the other places. i don't know why it's not there. it's hurting me more than i expected it to. it's hurting me because i am jealous, why couldn't i be that person. i hate feeling jealous and i don't want to be hurting. i am. he doesn't want me to be either. i know that. it's my own fault and i know that, i take full responsibility. i keep wishing and hoping that things will change and it doesn't turn out the way i want it to. i have the affection of those i don't want, just the opposite of how i feel right now. i have the opportunity to be loved, just by those i'm not interested in. we can't settle for what we don't want, and i have to respect that. that doesn't make it hurt any less. that doesn't make me not wish it that it was me in his arms instead of her. are men really such pure physical creatures that they don't really care who is with them? or do they care, when it's someone special? i just don't understand at all ... i simply care too much, i think.

ugh.

2009-01-21T21:25:00.000-08:00

i hate dating. i really, really do.

vacation and other thoughts

2009-01-17T08:19:00.000-08:00

so. here i am in washington dc. i've had a great time so far, and i still have a couple more days to go! it's been interesting to see things that i knew when i was a little girl. i realized how many memories i have here. my memory has been accurate for the most part, except things are a lot closer together than i remember them. i've had a couple bittersweet moments. when i was little and my sister's dad was still around, we lived in a small apartment. i was able to see the windows of our old apartment because we were on the end. some things happened there that scarred me permanently, and it was interesting for me to see that place again. some good things happened too, like how i learned how to ride my bike there, and eating off the blackberry tree and honeysuckle plants.

on another topic. boys. boys that tear me to pieces and i have no clue what to do with them. the current flavor of the week, which has lasted over a month now, been the one i've "dated" for the longest period of time from this website, and also that i have um...progressed the furthest with, i have no idea what to do with him. the rule that i broke with him was to sleep together without having a clue where this pseudo relationship is going. it's so confusing to me. i don't know why i get involved with men that aren't clear about anything. i wish people could just say what they want or mean. if he isn't in it for the number, what is he in it for? just someone to talk to and be friends with? i know i'm going to get hurt. i can't avoid it. but maybe it's going to work out? i've been worried about it since the first date. what's he thinking? what does he want? am i supposed to stick it out, until he decides that he's bored with me, or do i end it before i'm the one that gets hurt? sigh. i don't want to end it. that's my problem. i enjoy and will settle for what little attention i can get, even though i know i deserve more. i like this one. i want to give it a shot. i just want to know what's in his mind too. i guess there is nothing i can do about it at the moment, and i might as well not worry right now. maybe i can see him when i get home. it's not fair for me to say that i never get what i want, because he came over before i left because he knew i wanted to see him. doesn't that say something? yeah. i shouldn't be worried.

now i kind of feel like crap.

thoughts

2009-01-06T19:41:00.000-08:00

i stumbled on some emails today. so i opened them and read them. they made me sad. i used to get such nice, long emails from a certain someone. then i noticed on facebook just now, that in early sept i wrote a note about being heartbroken. interesting how i knew without being told that the relationship was over. the note was only written a couple days after i saw him last. my current flame ... i don't really have these concerns. i don't know if i'm just not interested enough, if i've gotten to the point of realizing i shouldn't worry about it so much, or if i just feel that good about him that i believe he's not going to up and leave. i'm not sure. for some reason i feel a sense of security with this one. sure i have some doubts and insecurities. i have been left and i'm terrified of it happening again. i think there might always be a tiny voice in the back of my head making me feel like whoever i'm with is going to leave me without warning or explanation. i felt good about the last one. i felt secure. but i had those thoughts. i was afraid of what was going to happen. i have no idea if i knew subconsiously that something wasn't right, or if i pushed him away by freaking out. except i never freaked out in front of him. he had no idea that i felt anything other than total bliss with him. i like my current flame. i really like him. i am trying not to be too excited or attached. i don't want to get hurt again. i am guarded. i can't wait to find out how things are going to go. it makes me happy and excited. i think things will be ok, but we'll see.

on another note, i've been thinking about my father a lot. his birthday was either today or yesterday. i wish i had gotten the chance to get to know him. i feel like my opportunity was stolen from me, and it was. good things came out of his death, for example a whole side of family that i never knew about. i talked to my stepmom yesterday to see if i could see her while i'm in virginia next week. she brought me up to date on a lot of family news, and it was interesting to hear how things are going. i will probably see her sometime while i'm in VA. hopefully. any ties to my dad make me very sad. i can still cry over his death. i miss him.

happy new year

2009-01-01T20:12:00.000-08:00

what a way to bring in the new year - i finally did it. happy, happy me. funny enough i am not obsessing over it. maybe in a couple days i will, but i don't think this one is going to do what the other ones did. *content sigh* :D

just me

2008-12-28T10:27:00.000-08:00

people often think i am a sweet, innocent angel. after getting to know me for a bit, they notice i have a bit more to me. i'm not as angelic as i appear. in fact, i have surprised quite a few people with what came come out of my mouth and my actions. i have a horribly dirty mind. everything i think i want to act out immediately. i think about sex more often than the average bear, i'm pretty sure. i'm a lot more outgoing than i think i am. i'm a bit nerdy deep down. i'm impatient and stubborn. i'm always daydreaming.

i'm full of quirks, as my close friends know. it doesn't take long for the "real" me to show up, but i always find that moment funny when someone realizes i'm not an angel.

reflection

2008-12-27T18:18:00.000-08:00

losing my voice has forced me to realize a few things. first of all, i talk a lot. when did that happen? i used to be so quiet. i still am in some situations, but there are so many things that run through my mind that i want to say. the majority of what i have to say is not very important, so people around me aren't missing much. i talk about a lot of stupid stuff. i am full of pointless stories. i feel bad because i've lost my voice over christmas, and when i was with my family opening presents, i couldn't express my appreciation for my gifts. i still haven't been able to, and it's two days later. i'm getting kind of tired of this. i'm getting tired of being sick! i don't think i've ever lost my voice so completely for such a length of time. back to what i was saying, it does give me time alone to my thoughts and it has been a good experience. one of my goals for myself is to cut back on the stupid random crap that i come up with for conversation. this has allowed me to really evaluate my thoughts and hopefully in the future help me decide what are good things to say and what could/should be left in my head. i will probably forget to think, and keep talking about stupid random crap, so future sylvie: stop freaking talking about stupid random crap! the end. :)

frustrations on dating

2008-12-23T16:48:00.000-08:00

a blog for the dating website i'm on, turned bad. that's why it's here and not there.

i am a really honest person. i wear my heart on my sleeve, and it's usually pretty obvious (i think) what i think about someone. i have no idea why anyone would do otherwise. i'm not into playing games. i'm not patient, i jump head first into everything. i'm not into leading on, or being lead on. the only problem is that a lot of people aren't as forward as i am. so i get confused. well, some people (like those who message me talking about what sex would be like with them) are WAY too forward. i never know if someone is interested, not interested, want to be friends, want to just sleep together, whatever. at least the guys that email me about sex are forward about what they want with me. do guys do what girls go through with all this confusion bs? do i email them? do i text or call? should i wait until they email, text or call me? are they done with me? who the hell knows, and for once i would appreciate being told flat out when someone is tired of me. maybe i'm being too needy, maybe i'm taking things too seriously or personally. i don't know.

i don't see how people on this website have been online for a month and find someone to date. i've been on here for six and i've found jack. i've averaged about one date a month. i've made some friends out of that. i dated a couple for a short period. but as soon as it got to that point of yes, we are dating, it fell apart. i really just want someone to date for long enough to get familiar with, but not forever. i want someone to care about. i care about people really easily, and the times that i have started to care about someone, they vanish. i wish they would at least tell me sorry.

friends who are not friends

2008-12-20T19:42:00.000-08:00

everyone has friends who are not really friends. i wish mine would talk to me, and i honestly don't know why they don't. it is true that at 16 i dropped out of church and became entirely focused on my boyfriend for the following four years. i lost my virginity and word probably got around. all in all, i think i've turned out pretty well anyway. especially in comparison to some other people. even some people that these people know. i haven't had a baby. i never did hard drugs. i never drank too much. i don't swear too much. i still believe in god. i wasn't whoring about, i kept a boyfriend for four years. i have a good job and a good life. i take care of myself. so if those people don't see that i am a good person and really, always have been, i guess i shouldn't be too concerned about it because i know what kind of person i am. even though things that i've been through aren't usually part of an "ideal" life, i think i've come through it all relatively normal. any quirky or even neurotic traits i have are simply part of me, and have always been there anyway.

to you friends who are not really friends: i miss you. i wish i would have been a bigger part of your life. i want to know what's going on in yours, that's why i keep you as friends who are not really friends. i care about you. that's all i want you to know.

summer memories

2008-12-16T18:20:00.000-08:00

today i had a sudden, random and powerful urge to listen to my sweeney todd soundtrack. as soon as it turned on, i started having flashbacks of the summer. i realized that i had quite the summer, and i did make some pretty good memories. i did a lot of really fun things and i dated two nice guys. one i pretty much fell in love with and consequently got my heart torn into pieces. i went to fair after fair, and got several henna tattoos. to add to my trip down memory lane, i received mamma mia! from blockbuster today, which also contributed to my summer memories. i saw this movie in an old theater with my friends after getting burned to hell at the nearby fair. i'm glad that i take these fun memories as highlights of my summer this year. i had some crappy stuff happen too, but the fact that i have focused on these fun times is fantastic for me. i miss wearing my pretty sundresses that put what the cleavage fairy blessed me with on display. i miss flip flops. i miss warm evenings. i miss sitting in the sun. i miss driving with my sunroof open blasting and belting out the entire sweeney todd soundtrack. ah, fun memories. :)

starting a new blog

2008-12-13T09:07:00.000-08:00

i have blogs in one place or another. one is too public. one is too private. this is meant to be somewhere in between. my deepest thoughts will still be filtered through my private blog. this blog will still reveal some thoughts that i don't want to share with just anyone that i know personally. as for the unknown reader, you are my favorite.

i over analyze everything. i am the worst over-analyzer on the planet. usually i am stressed about work or a relationship, or the lack thereof. usually i love my job. lately i hate it. every time i have another failed relationship, no matter how short it lasted, my feeling of failure and loneliness are magnified. these will probably be common themes to help me vent and feel better without feeling like i'm burdening anyone or annoying anyone with my endless thoughts, doubts and insecurities. so anyway, that's it for now.