quote

i have no appropriate place to display this, but i think this quote is great and would love to use it one day ...

"you wouldn't have to be over me if you were still under me."

(from nick & norah's infinite playlist)

dwelling

i don't know why i always go back to that one. that one that broke my heart. yes, i know why ... because i was falling for him ...

at a loss...

i just want to be someone that someone cares about. i want someone to want to talk to me and see me. i want someone to want me in their life and not just that but to be part of it. i want to want someone like that too. i want it to be mutual. i thought i had that and i don't know what happened to it. there is nothing i can do to know why or what happened. currently i am heartbroken because its my own fault. the other one isnt the other one but just the one. i am nothing. i am a friend for pleasure. nothing more. i want to know what its like to be on the receiving end of that affection. i never was. it doesn't seem like there is or was a good reason for that, but that it just wasn't there for him. it was there in all the other places. i don't know why it's not there. it's hurting me more than i expected it to. it's hurting me because i am jealous, why couldn't i be that person. i hate feeling jealous and i don't want to be hurting. i am. he doesn't want me to be either. i know that. it's my own fault and i know that, i take full responsibility. i keep wishing and hoping that things will change and it doesn't turn out the way i want it to. i have the affection of those i don't want, just the opposite of how i feel right now. i have the opportunity to be loved, just by those i'm not interested in. we can't settle for what we don't want, and i have to respect that. that doesn't make it hurt any less. that doesn't make me not wish it that it was me in his arms instead of her. are men really such pure physical creatures that they don't really care who is with them? or do they care, when it's someone special? i just don't understand at all ... i simply care too much, i think.

ugh.

i hate dating. i really, really do.

vacation and other thoughts

so. here i am in washington dc. i've had a great time so far, and i still have a couple more days to go! it's been interesting to see things that i knew when i was a little girl. i realized how many memories i have here. my memory has been accurate for the most part, except things are a lot closer together than i remember them. i've had a couple bittersweet moments. when i was little and my sister's dad was still around, we lived in a small apartment. i was able to see the windows of our old apartment because we were on the end. some things happened there that scarred me permanently, and it was interesting for me to see that place again. some good things happened too, like how i learned how to ride my bike there, and eating off the blackberry tree and honeysuckle plants.

on another topic. boys. boys that tear me to pieces and i have no clue what to do with them. the current flavor of the week, which has lasted over a month now, been the one i've "dated" for the longest period of time from this website, and also that i have um...progressed the furthest with, i have no idea what to do with him. the rule that i broke with him was to sleep together without having a clue where this pseudo relationship is going. it's so confusing to me. i don't know why i get involved with men that aren't clear about anything. i wish people could just say what they want or mean. if he isn't in it for the number, what is he in it for? just someone to talk to and be friends with? i know i'm going to get hurt. i can't avoid it. but maybe it's going to work out? i've been worried about it since the first date. what's he thinking? what does he want? am i supposed to stick it out, until he decides that he's bored with me, or do i end it before i'm the one that gets hurt? sigh. i don't want to end it. that's my problem. i enjoy and will settle for what little attention i can get, even though i know i deserve more. i like this one. i want to give it a shot. i just want to know what's in his mind too. i guess there is nothing i can do about it at the moment, and i might as well not worry right now. maybe i can see him when i get home. it's not fair for me to say that i never get what i want, because he came over before i left because he knew i wanted to see him. doesn't that say something? yeah. i shouldn't be worried.

now i kind of feel like crap.

thoughts

i stumbled on some emails today. so i opened them and read them. they made me sad. i used to get such nice, long emails from a certain someone. then i noticed on facebook just now, that in early sept i wrote a note about being heartbroken. interesting how i knew without being told that the relationship was over. the note was only written a couple days after i saw him last. my current flame ... i don't really have these concerns. i don't know if i'm just not interested enough, if i've gotten to the point of realizing i shouldn't worry about it so much, or if i just feel that good about him that i believe he's not going to up and leave. i'm not sure. for some reason i feel a sense of security with this one. sure i have some doubts and insecurities. i have been left and i'm terrified of it happening again. i think there might always be a tiny voice in the back of my head making me feel like whoever i'm with is going to leave me without warning or explanation. i felt good about the last one. i felt secure. but i had those thoughts. i was afraid of what was going to happen. i have no idea if i knew subconsiously that something wasn't right, or if i pushed him away by freaking out. except i never freaked out in front of him. he had no idea that i felt anything other than total bliss with him. i like my current flame. i really like him. i am trying not to be too excited or attached. i don't want to get hurt again. i am guarded. i can't wait to find out how things are going to go. it makes me happy and excited. i think things will be ok, but we'll see.

on another note, i've been thinking about my father a lot. his birthday was either today or yesterday. i wish i had gotten the chance to get to know him. i feel like my opportunity was stolen from me, and it was. good things came out of his death, for example a whole side of family that i never knew about. i talked to my stepmom yesterday to see if i could see her while i'm in virginia next week. she brought me up to date on a lot of family news, and it was interesting to hear how things are going. i will probably see her sometime while i'm in VA. hopefully. any ties to my dad make me very sad. i can still cry over his death. i miss him.

happy new year

what a way to bring in the new year - i finally did it. happy, happy me. funny enough i am not obsessing over it. maybe in a couple days i will, but i don't think this one is going to do what the other ones did. *content sigh* :D