thoughts

i stumbled on some emails today. so i opened them and read them. they made me sad. i used to get such nice, long emails from a certain someone. then i noticed on facebook just now, that in early sept i wrote a note about being heartbroken. interesting how i knew without being told that the relationship was over. the note was only written a couple days after i saw him last. my current flame ... i don't really have these concerns. i don't know if i'm just not interested enough, if i've gotten to the point of realizing i shouldn't worry about it so much, or if i just feel that good about him that i believe he's not going to up and leave. i'm not sure. for some reason i feel a sense of security with this one. sure i have some doubts and insecurities. i have been left and i'm terrified of it happening again. i think there might always be a tiny voice in the back of my head making me feel like whoever i'm with is going to leave me without warning or explanation. i felt good about the last one. i felt secure. but i had those thoughts. i was afraid of what was going to happen. i have no idea if i knew subconsiously that something wasn't right, or if i pushed him away by freaking out. except i never freaked out in front of him. he had no idea that i felt anything other than total bliss with him. i like my current flame. i really like him. i am trying not to be too excited or attached. i don't want to get hurt again. i am guarded. i can't wait to find out how things are going to go. it makes me happy and excited. i think things will be ok, but we'll see.

on another note, i've been thinking about my father a lot. his birthday was either today or yesterday. i wish i had gotten the chance to get to know him. i feel like my opportunity was stolen from me, and it was. good things came out of his death, for example a whole side of family that i never knew about. i talked to my stepmom yesterday to see if i could see her while i'm in virginia next week. she brought me up to date on a lot of family news, and it was interesting to hear how things are going. i will probably see her sometime while i'm in VA. hopefully. any ties to my dad make me very sad. i can still cry over his death. i miss him.