vacation and other thoughts

so. here i am in washington dc. i've had a great time so far, and i still have a couple more days to go! it's been interesting to see things that i knew when i was a little girl. i realized how many memories i have here. my memory has been accurate for the most part, except things are a lot closer together than i remember them. i've had a couple bittersweet moments. when i was little and my sister's dad was still around, we lived in a small apartment. i was able to see the windows of our old apartment because we were on the end. some things happened there that scarred me permanently, and it was interesting for me to see that place again. some good things happened too, like how i learned how to ride my bike there, and eating off the blackberry tree and honeysuckle plants.

on another topic. boys. boys that tear me to pieces and i have no clue what to do with them. the current flavor of the week, which has lasted over a month now, been the one i've "dated" for the longest period of time from this website, and also that i have um...progressed the furthest with, i have no idea what to do with him. the rule that i broke with him was to sleep together without having a clue where this pseudo relationship is going. it's so confusing to me. i don't know why i get involved with men that aren't clear about anything. i wish people could just say what they want or mean. if he isn't in it for the number, what is he in it for? just someone to talk to and be friends with? i know i'm going to get hurt. i can't avoid it. but maybe it's going to work out? i've been worried about it since the first date. what's he thinking? what does he want? am i supposed to stick it out, until he decides that he's bored with me, or do i end it before i'm the one that gets hurt? sigh. i don't want to end it. that's my problem. i enjoy and will settle for what little attention i can get, even though i know i deserve more. i like this one. i want to give it a shot. i just want to know what's in his mind too. i guess there is nothing i can do about it at the moment, and i might as well not worry right now. maybe i can see him when i get home. it's not fair for me to say that i never get what i want, because he came over before i left because he knew i wanted to see him. doesn't that say something? yeah. i shouldn't be worried.

now i kind of feel like crap.