just me

people often think i am a sweet, innocent angel. after getting to know me for a bit, they notice i have a bit more to me. i'm not as angelic as i appear. in fact, i have surprised quite a few people with what came come out of my mouth and my actions. i have a horribly dirty mind. everything i think i want to act out immediately. i think about sex more often than the average bear, i'm pretty sure. i'm a lot more outgoing than i think i am. i'm a bit nerdy deep down. i'm impatient and stubborn. i'm always daydreaming.

i'm full of quirks, as my close friends know. it doesn't take long for the "real" me to show up, but i always find that moment funny when someone realizes i'm not an angel.

reflection

losing my voice has forced me to realize a few things. first of all, i talk a lot. when did that happen? i used to be so quiet. i still am in some situations, but there are so many things that run through my mind that i want to say. the majority of what i have to say is not very important, so people around me aren't missing much. i talk about a lot of stupid stuff. i am full of pointless stories. i feel bad because i've lost my voice over christmas, and when i was with my family opening presents, i couldn't express my appreciation for my gifts. i still haven't been able to, and it's two days later. i'm getting kind of tired of this. i'm getting tired of being sick! i don't think i've ever lost my voice so completely for such a length of time. back to what i was saying, it does give me time alone to my thoughts and it has been a good experience. one of my goals for myself is to cut back on the stupid random crap that i come up with for conversation. this has allowed me to really evaluate my thoughts and hopefully in the future help me decide what are good things to say and what could/should be left in my head. i will probably forget to think, and keep talking about stupid random crap, so future sylvie: stop freaking talking about stupid random crap! the end. :)

frustrations on dating

a blog for the dating website i'm on, turned bad. that's why it's here and not there.

i am a really honest person. i wear my heart on my sleeve, and it's usually pretty obvious (i think) what i think about someone. i have no idea why anyone would do otherwise. i'm not into playing games. i'm not patient, i jump head first into everything. i'm not into leading on, or being lead on. the only problem is that a lot of people aren't as forward as i am. so i get confused. well, some people (like those who message me talking about what sex would be like with them) are WAY too forward. i never know if someone is interested, not interested, want to be friends, want to just sleep together, whatever. at least the guys that email me about sex are forward about what they want with me. do guys do what girls go through with all this confusion bs? do i email them? do i text or call? should i wait until they email, text or call me? are they done with me? who the hell knows, and for once i would appreciate being told flat out when someone is tired of me. maybe i'm being too needy, maybe i'm taking things too seriously or personally. i don't know.

i don't see how people on this website have been online for a month and find someone to date. i've been on here for six and i've found jack. i've averaged about one date a month. i've made some friends out of that. i dated a couple for a short period. but as soon as it got to that point of yes, we are dating, it fell apart. i really just want someone to date for long enough to get familiar with, but not forever. i want someone to care about. i care about people really easily, and the times that i have started to care about someone, they vanish. i wish they would at least tell me sorry.

friends who are not friends

everyone has friends who are not really friends. i wish mine would talk to me, and i honestly don't know why they don't. it is true that at 16 i dropped out of church and became entirely focused on my boyfriend for the following four years. i lost my virginity and word probably got around. all in all, i think i've turned out pretty well anyway. especially in comparison to some other people. even some people that these people know. i haven't had a baby. i never did hard drugs. i never drank too much. i don't swear too much. i still believe in god. i wasn't whoring about, i kept a boyfriend for four years. i have a good job and a good life. i take care of myself. so if those people don't see that i am a good person and really, always have been, i guess i shouldn't be too concerned about it because i know what kind of person i am. even though things that i've been through aren't usually part of an "ideal" life, i think i've come through it all relatively normal. any quirky or even neurotic traits i have are simply part of me, and have always been there anyway.

to you friends who are not really friends: i miss you. i wish i would have been a bigger part of your life. i want to know what's going on in yours, that's why i keep you as friends who are not really friends. i care about you. that's all i want you to know.

summer memories

today i had a sudden, random and powerful urge to listen to my sweeney todd soundtrack. as soon as it turned on, i started having flashbacks of the summer. i realized that i had quite the summer, and i did make some pretty good memories. i did a lot of really fun things and i dated two nice guys. one i pretty much fell in love with and consequently got my heart torn into pieces. i went to fair after fair, and got several henna tattoos. to add to my trip down memory lane, i received mamma mia! from blockbuster today, which also contributed to my summer memories. i saw this movie in an old theater with my friends after getting burned to hell at the nearby fair. i'm glad that i take these fun memories as highlights of my summer this year. i had some crappy stuff happen too, but the fact that i have focused on these fun times is fantastic for me. i miss wearing my pretty sundresses that put what the cleavage fairy blessed me with on display. i miss flip flops. i miss warm evenings. i miss sitting in the sun. i miss driving with my sunroof open blasting and belting out the entire sweeney todd soundtrack. ah, fun memories. :)

starting a new blog

i have blogs in one place or another. one is too public. one is too private. this is meant to be somewhere in between. my deepest thoughts will still be filtered through my private blog. this blog will still reveal some thoughts that i don't want to share with just anyone that i know personally. as for the unknown reader, you are my favorite.

i over analyze everything. i am the worst over-analyzer on the planet. usually i am stressed about work or a relationship, or the lack thereof. usually i love my job. lately i hate it. every time i have another failed relationship, no matter how short it lasted, my feeling of failure and loneliness are magnified. these will probably be common themes to help me vent and feel better without feeling like i'm burdening anyone or annoying anyone with my endless thoughts, doubts and insecurities. so anyway, that's it for now.